We first called the fertility clinic in the fall of 2020. My spouse, Caid, and I sat together, excited to begin the process we’d been talking about for years. The possibility of having a family was one of the first “serious” conversations we had as a couple. We knew some science would be involved, seeing as I am a cis-gender woman and Caid is a non-binary queer person assigned female at birth. We determined early on thatwas the way we were going to have a baby together.
After weeks and countless hours on the phone with insurance, setting up peer-to-peers, explaining our situation and defending our “medical necessity,” we finally got someone to talk to our fertility clinic again. D and our doctor explained that it was all medically necessary. But an insurance representative informed them that none of the egg-retrieval process should have been covered in the first place, and that if this conversation continued, they’d reverse all of it.
Some more good news came: In the midst of our egg-retrieval efforts, our state passed a new parentage act. Prior to this, a non-gestational parent would have no established legal bond to a baby, even if they were the one genetically related to them. They’d still have to adopt their own child—a baby that their legally married partner gave birth to—through a process called second-parent adoption. This required a lawyer, legal fees and in-home inspections.
At this point, we were financially fatigued. We reached as deep into our pockets as we could to get this far, and any further would be irresponsible. This cost would put us over the edge. After hours of deliberation and persuading from our friends, family and even therapists, we decided to let them help us. We let our family set up a GoFundMe for the last step of our IVF process. This was an important lesson in learning to accept help.We watched support and love pour in.