ATLANTA—Reviewing changes to the priorities for Covid-19 vaccine recipients, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Friday that the nation was entering a new phase of vaccine distribution where Capricorns, gymnasts, and childless uncles were now eligible for inoculation. “If you are between the ages of 49 and 52, were born in Iowa but now live in Ohio, reside exactly 3.
ighters, anyone who served in the first Iraq War but not the second, people who live across the street from a law office, Rhea Seehorn, men who are five-foot-seven, and women who are five-foot-nine. If you’ve ever worked at a Dairy Queen, have between 32 and 39 followers on Instagram, had your appendix removed on a Tuesday, or write your name with little hearts over the i’s, you’re also still eligible, although that eligibility ends in six hours, so you’d better get a move on.
pathbdesign heck ya, sign us up!
Finally, being a childless uncle will pay off!
IM UP!🙋🏿♀️
A childless uncle? I feel seen 🙋♂️
The list also contains pigeons, grass hoppers and single women in their 30's.
The Nebraska plan
Dude I love me some Onion, but where you are influential how about you flip the switch and promote people getting vaccinated. The time is now to use your influence for progression, that way you still have plenty of people to good later. Win Win.
As a Childless Uncle with a compromised immune system, I'm okay with this
Childless uncle here! Two shots deep. It ain't so bad!
Although in Indiana, teachers would still be in a future phase
This is a way better plan than the f show that’s in place
Hey, that's me!
Yay for me! I'm all three!
Typical.
It’s my time.
Finally - a list I can make -
Childless guncle here looking for the line👍🏻
Childless uncle club! 💪🤡
Makes sense as Capricorns are the GOATs! (12/23 in the house).
Yep....sounds about right 🤯🤣😂😅
People are saying if you're a red headed step child you'll be last in the queue.
I’m a patient man. Whatever it takes not to jump the line...
And bass guitarists that use a pick
Childless uncle here 🙋🏻♂️
I saw this and immediately got pissed before realizing it was from you guys lol
I was under the impression that Gymnasts were having to leap through all sorts of hoops to get the vaccine.
GrrlScientist Hilarious
But look at South Korea, they are already doing pets.
Unfortunately that’s probably how this line is going to work even tho I know the onion is mocking it.
bahahahahahahaha! would be even more funny if it wasn't so True
Great my friend is a Capricorn
The Pope has already been inoculated...
Pretty much
This development is after heavy lobbying by the community group 'Firefighters for Park Wardens' . No update on when park wardens will be granted access
Sounds like Canada’s strategy!
Sign me up!
Lucky for me, I'm both a childless uncle and gymnast.
What about childless Aunts? They always forget about the childless aunts! 😡
Yay!!! I’m finally on the list!
I'm one of those!
Omfg!😂
Hahaha! Thanks for the laughs!
Ah damn... Thought I was in... mistook Capricorn for Unicorn🦄.. guess I must continue to wait
My time has come
Lucky for you ianddicks ....can you take Chloe when you're called for it! 😆
Niece. Great-nephew. AHEM. Childfree aunt and great-aunt here. Spouse is gloating. Please see my authorization.
I'm a capricorn! This must be my lucky year!!!
Damn it. Why are geminis always last?
CHILDLESS UNCLES RISE UP ✊
D’oh! D’oh! Woo-hoo!
😂
3 out of 3, I get one first!
VaushV Yooo! Childless uncle here lets goooooo
For Real. Our Government really knows how to screw up the Simplest things. So Sad .Let the Vaccine Rot. That is their way.
As a childless uncle AND a gymnast, I'm very happy to see my time to get vaccinated is quickly approaching!
ByYourLogic
VaushV Can they replace the vaccines with something to sterilize them
I'm a childless uncle!
This is Gemini erasure
Anti-vaxxers too*
Childless uncles, you say? My time has come.
Inoculations are being replaced by ejaculations, it's been reported. Hide the children!