Report: Amazon Using Heat-Sensing Alien Hunters To Track Workers Attempting To Unionize

  • 📰 TheOnion
  • ⏱ Reading Time:
  • 1 sec. here
  • 2 min. at publisher
  • 📊 Quality Score:
  • News: 4%
  • Publisher: 51%

Law Law Headlines News

Law Law Latest News,Law Law Headlines

SEATTLE—Shedding new light on the corporation’s aggressive labor practices, a new report released Wednesday found that Amazon is using heat-sensing alien hunters to track workers attempting to unionize. “We care deeply about the future of our company, which is why we’ve deployed an extraterrestrial species to warehouses and Whole Foods stores that we believe are at high risk of unionization,” read the report in part, quoting insider sources at Amazon who explained that while the move may be seen as controversial, there’s no law preventing a corporation from stalking their own employees with interstellar assassins. “We were very impressed when we sat down with these alien hunters. With their work ethic and affinity for cutting-edge technology like wristblades and plasmacasters, we think they’ll make an excellent fit at Amazon. They’ve already proven to be great at quickly climbing across stacks of pallets or scurrying along the tops of grocery aisles to spy on and shoot any employees who discuss improving their working conditions. Oh, and we’d like to remind employees that using mud to disguise your heat signature is a violation of company policy.” At press time, the effort was suspended after several heat-sensing alien hunters collapsed in an Amazon warehouse from exhaustion.

 

Thank you for your comment. Your comment will be published after being reviewed.
Please try again later.

Lol as an exworker for Amazon, I find this accurate

Here come the men in black (men in black) galaxy defender

Disproportionately extreme, methinks. Union leaders are not aliens. Or are they? 🤣😋

If only we could use that she technology to find The Onion's sense of humor. TheOnionSucks

That's crazy back in the day but business just used the mob.

*heeeeeeeeeee*

Maybe they can can also track down the dark figures controlling Joe Biden?

Sounds like old tactics Henry Ford and other major companies did back in the day.

'What do we want?!' 'To have our spines pulled out through our skins!' 'When do we want it?!' 'Right after we've been dragged up into the nearest rafters or tree branches!'

OMG! I've been reading the Onion in Madison since the 1990's, and THIS ONE GOT ME! Way, way too plausible.

ryanlcooper dee_sweeet

ryanlcooper If they bleed we can kill them

Alexa, update my resume.

So that is what those dark figures on the plane were about

tear sensing bots to track workers wanting to onionize

At first glance I read “unionize” as “urinate,” but I guess that works too?

yeah, they don't deserve a union. they are only many peoples best way of getting important goods around the countries, greatly improving many peoples lives

The only reasonable response to those who would undermine the corporate group-think by union organization? Eating them, of course. It's the American thing to do.

God damn it bezos. I knew he had connections to the Mars.

Grug not understand

explain this JeffBezos

Funny because it’s true

Weak!

the damn warpers from subnautica

DougKass Good hope they discover and fire them

givemepie360

Aliens exist

Its called the Prime Directive.

Unions are the evil of a society

Where is the lie

Could Jeff Bezos pass a Turing Test given by Mark Zuckerberg?

POV amazon employee after bathroom break:

Oh I love this episode of ‘Welcome to Nightvale’!

We need to get a predator to stop them. JoeBiden will be available after November!

“All right back to work everyone coffee break is over”

Aliens exist!

Is this true, amazon?

“You can feel when you’re getting scanned cause it gets real cold”.

These have got to be getting harder to come up with

what happens when the alien hunters unionize

Did anyone think of Bezos at time like this? Poor guy.

We have finally been given a reason to keep gloves in the glove box.

MrHennigan BaronDestructo Who ever wrote this is clearly in your league when it comes to sci/fi

As they should. Unions never output productivity they bring out the absolute passivity toward their quality of work. In Canada, the government chose Amazon for the delivery for their medical supplies amid pandemic and not the union and crown run corporation Canada post.

They aren't only because they were booked elsewhere.

JeffBezos lol

Well, they do have a map that shows where union-seeming flare-ups might occur.

Aliens? I havent read a lot of news lately but i didnt know about this. Neat.

Wait, so, are they or are they not?

So they hired the predator

Anytime.

Meet the new head of HR at Amazon.

Too real.

can confirm, every time people unionize the alien hunter eats them

Must have borrowed these hunters from the WWE

We have summarized this news so that you can read it quickly. If you are interested in the news, you can read the full text here. Read more:

 /  🏆 724. in LAW

Law Law Latest News, Law Law Headlines

Similar News:You can also read news stories similar to this one that we have collected from other news sources.

Amazon warehouse workers plan nationwide protest to demand coronavirus protectionsAmazon warehouse workers are planning a “mass call out” this week to call attention to what they call a lack of protections for employees who continue to come to work amid the coronavirus outbreak. Good. Amazon workers have it extremely tough and have no support from their employer. Jeff is the real virus the more people at home, but the amazon profits, why stop working?
Source: NBCNews - 🏆 10. / 86 Read more »